“At first you can’t stand those four walls, then you get so you can abide them, then you get so you accept them…and then, as your body and your mind and your spirit adjust to life …, you get to love them.”
- Ellis Redding - "Red"
There it is, the quote which seems to describe perfectly the progressive and gradual acceptance of our sometimes, what seems like, obdurate lives. When we are young we hate such limitations, then learn to accept them and eventually learn to ‘love’ them. This ‘love’ though is not love in the true sense of the word – it is more like an addiction: to habit, to dogma, to drugs - all of what distracts us from seeing and living in the world that is. We believe that these walls are our protectors, but in reality it is like a chronic brain malfunction, an acceptance of the fact that we can no longer remove ourselves outside the thought patterns and habits that dominate our lives.
This describes MS, every disease, and the very nature of humankind. We are after all ‘sinners’ ! Don’t run! I mean this in a non-Christian sense. 'To sin' means “to miss the mark” but I want to expand on that. As I see it, we miss because we so blinded by the conditioning of our lives that we do not "see the mark" for it is or what for it can be. This is the essence of 'institutionalization' and sin.
In my case, this ‘institutionalization’ described by Otis, 'Red' Redding conveys exactly the feeling of living with a chronic disease. First you hate the walls, then gradually abide them, and finally you enter into a toxic obsessive love affair with these walls where there is no escape. You start to use a cane, you get a VIP parking permit (I like this perk - got to admit - is it wrong to keep it?), you accept a wheelchair, you accept your doctor’s pessimism that nothing can be done. Your world shrinks within the walls and you lose sight of all the possibilities that still exist beyond the walls. Hope fades and you are reduced.
On top of that, everyone in your world is institutionalized in the same manner: doctors, friends, colleagues, family are all of the same mind – “You have an incurable progressive disease and you will only get worse and worse. That's what science says.“ With every interaction I take part in, this is completely transparent. Everyone believes this. It is no one’s fault per say, it is just the way paradigms work, the way we ‘sinners’ work. “Forgive, for they are blind and do not see” is the essence of "missing the mark".
So what does ‘Red’, from Shawshank have to say to me and anyone suffering from chronic disease? Ok, Morgan Freeman as Mandela, we get that, but the narrator in “Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption”?
For me personally this is the most meaningful post I will have written since so many things have become clear to me since the stem cell party. It will be long ride here, and lack humor, but please do join me for the whole journey. Be forewarned that there are a lot of religious references here, but more for mere philosophical purposes only. I am a seeker in meaning mostly, and my interest here is finding meaning in the life that I have. So the Christian references that I cite are simply ways that I find meaning in my 'dance' - sounds so cheesy here. So no ideological messages here...almost!
Synchronicity at the Stem Cell Birthday
As usual, Amanda has had a great idea and is turning into the heroic sidekick to the tragic hero, me, in all of these posts. Pride of Australia, she just consistently delivers. I can't believe the Australians were the German's closest allies during the war! She speaks pretty good English too, although she does mix some words up and and pronounce the whole words "breakfast" and "chewing gum". But she is for the most part a solid second language speaker.
Amanda, with idea in hand, sends fellow patients to town to purchase a symbolic artifact which will serve as a memorabilia of our new births - a Russian newspaper! This, she explains, will include the date & year - marked in green under the creepy Russian guy. It will tell about all of the events of the day that took place on our new birthday!
Unfortunately, John Carter sarcasm has not been killed off by the chemo though: “Oh good, I will have a Russian newspaper written in Cyrillic script symbolizing my new life to remind me that I have no idea what happened in Russia that day when I was reborn!”
Sarcasm = Lowest form of humor, according to the Dalai Lama. But Nemesi to the rescue! Here for me again, she punches me in the gut and my acute attention is drawn to the photo that dominates the front page of the paper. Here is a zoomed in version.
It’s amazing, catalytic, astounding, stupefying and awe inspiring in so many ways I cannot express here. In a word, the front cover, in my mind, only contains a picture of something that is so unlikely that the Cyrllic alphabet literally transforms into unintelligible blurs (because before this I was well versed and could read 'банка' - bank).
Now, if you have followed me from my first post on this blog, then you know about my belief in synchronicity, or what C.J. Jung calls meaningful coincidences. In my world, mention this concept to anyone, remain patient, wait and then observe strange coincidences unfold. It is freaky.
To give one example, living in France, I mention synchronicity to my dear friend Dan Parady (pretty sure Seth McFarlane has hacked his brain and created Family Guy from this man's mind). We then discuss, for probably hours, the details of a specific Bugs Bunny episode. Shortly after, Dan returns to his room, turns on the TV to find yes, the exact Bug’s episode, except Bugs is speaking French. My phone rings only minutes later “You’re freakin me out Carter” and the line is dead. Voila! La puissance de synchronisation!
I could go on and on with anecdote after anecdote, but I will spare you. Being a realist I have really questioned this, just what is this phenomenon anyway? Metaphysics, cognitive resonance, hocus pocus, the over analysis of rational and plausible coincidence? The French infatuation with Bugs Bunny?
Whatever the explanation, whether you buy the concept or not, I am convinced that I am here, in Russia, as a result of a series of meaningful coincidences - synchronicity. And what I find amazing at this juncture is that of all of the ideas and reflections that I have been having about this HSCT experience over the past weeks, suddenly with this newspaper, all my ideas have all developed into one perfect narrative.
On a personal level, the front page is staggering, and it will be framed and hung on my wall until the day I die. The photo is in my mind, none other than a replica of a mental image that I carry in my mind, which comes straight out of what is undoubtedly one my favorite books; a book I have read nearly a hundred of times.
Zihuatanejo
Now, I am no connoisseur of Russian newspapers, but I have read some Russian novels such as “Crime and Punishment” and "The Idiot". I mention this only because the sheer complexities of learning the multiple names and titles of the main characters in such novels has probably resulted in the first lesions on my brain. Thank you Dostoevsky. Anyway, the point is, knowing nothing about Russian newspapers, I find it such an unlikely front-page. Blue waters, white sand beaches with an empty chair with fishing rod? Really, front page of a major Russian publication?
So as I gaze on, I can only see Zihuatanejo, "a place with no memory", as I have it etched my mind. And when I realize this, all my thoughts, all my deliberations, all my feelings about turn to the novella, that I probably know better than any other story "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption."
In this post it will help if you have seen the film “Shawshank Redemption”. I am guessing though that most of you, however, are probably not familiar with Stephen King’s little pearl of a novella “Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption”, which the film is based on. And I won’t judge you if you haven’t read it. I am quite sure that most of you that know me from my college days and before, know that I was the quintessential vidiot and probably had 5 books to my name by the time I graduated Lafayette - an accomplishment in itself!
Anyway, the movie follows the book quite closely, but as always Hollywood likes to add a little flair and excitement – like gun shots – the perfect revenge and pristine beach settings setting the tone for the perfect happy ending. You know like in “Pretty Woman” where the rich guy marries the prostitute and they look so happy? That could happen.
Well, King's novella lacks the over the top drama, revenge and even leaves the reader with a bit of an open ending - where you have to fill in the blanks. Kind of like life. Kind of like "Pretty Woman" too, at least for me. I mean isn't there anyone who wants a sequel? Who wouldn't pay 10 dollars to see the visceral carnage of that relationship playing itself out on screen? Dark, Dark, Dark romantic comedy. Do we have that genre?
Anyway.
Years of in Class Analysis
So you see, I have read "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption" with hundreds of students over the years. Every year I challenge them to find a new angle on the plot and together we continually dig up small troves of litterary brilliance. Details that suggest a deep underlying message, that I can only assume stays hidden from most. It is not because I am a genius and have done some super analysis. It has been a work in progress built on ideas of all the students that I have had the honor of teaching and learning with. What we have discovered from this story is a parable which can be applied to life. So, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to all you students that have created this meaning for me and are now helping me deal with my situation. Tack!
Even if I will be speaking about MS with regards to this novella, in truth this book speaks to all of us. So sit back and enjoy. You will never be able to look at this story the same. Promise!
Etymology – The Study of the origins of words
As you have already gathered, I am a bit of stickler for meaning and finding meaning in things, even where there is none. Bugs Bunny? This also means that I love etymology – words and their origins. Once such example that gets me all tickly inside is the word: ‘goodbye’ which has its roots in the expression “God be with you” – known as a 'complex clipping' in linguistic. I love this crap!
Oh God, I just realized that, in our overly politically correct landscape, I have opened a proverbial can of worms. What if this 'god' angle becomes transparent? Will we then be obliged to take into account the interlocutor’s belief systems? Saying 'Budbye' to Budhists, 'Allahbye' to Muslims?
Although I am saddened by this thought, I take comfort in the fact that my Uncle Steve, who takes issue with the now politically correct “Happy Holidays” which has replaced the traditional "Merry Christmas". It is now my hope he will be consoled with the politically correct term that will likely replace "goodbye" . How about “merry-bye” Uncle Steve?
Beyond just the underlying meaning of words though, I take great interest in the underlying meanings of personal names. In traditional cultures this is cannot be more obvious. In "Dances with Wolves" Keven Costner takes on his Native American name as a result of his character. This is obvious, but less so, even in our own culture. Take the former presidential staff cabinet members under the George W. administration: “Dick, Colin, Gale, Snow and Bush”; these names are loaded with underlying meaning. When it comes to everyday names though, meanings are almost not as perceptible, for example in names like Andy, Peter, Tommy, Red, Rita and Linda: all btw are characters in our story here.
Let me not forget the star of this post: Anastasia. Not in the book, but important to this narrative nevertheless.
Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption
I will give a recap of the plot here for those who are not familiar with the story, or for those who have not seen it in awhile: And extra details for my fellow MSers who have seen the film several times but only through a hued brain fog. As I do this, I will talk names and underlying meanings.
In short, a man Andy duFresne, is tempted to kill his wife Linda, but refrains. The name Andy, is derived from the name of Christ's first apostle "Andrew" and Linda, meaning 'beauty' is also connected to the Old German 'lindi' or 'the serpent', which of course is a symbol for temptation. So of course Andrew is tempted to murder his wife, but refrains. Unlucky for Andrew, someone else murders Linda and Andrew gets a life sentence. In preparation for his future release, he sets up a new identity as Peter Stevens, with enough investments to create a happy future life in the event that he is one day paroled. Interesting, Biblical Peter "the rock" is Andrew's brother and they are both 'fishermen'.
Red, who is the narrator and himself guilty of murder, tells the story of Andy and his time at Shawshank Prison where he describes Andy as a man with “myth magic”. Red is symbolizes man "the sinner" who "misses the mark". "Though your sins are as dark as scarlet...Isaiah 1:18". Unlike the movie, Andy lives a complete nonviolent existence, earns no money in jail, does not resist ‘the sisters’ (rapists) and does not get revenge on the Warden in the end. He does, however, build a library (a symbolic church) and helps dozens of inmates get their equivalency diplomas. In a word, he is a model prisoner, who helps the inmates try to break free from their “institutionalization.”
Ok, most of the important personal names and physical items are in place now. It is time to focus on some concepts. First off, new inmates are referred to as ‘new fish’, where 'fish' symbols or ichthys
were used as a secret symbol in early Christianity and were originally connected to Christian hope and in pagan traditions 'rebirth'. The 'new fish' or new prisoners are potential recruitees for Andrew and his mission. So Andrew's library is essentially an ecclesia which liberates the inmates from their institutionalization.
I chose the word ecclesia instead of 'church' since the physical structure is hardly mentioned in the original bible. The original word ecclesia means "a body of the faithful" of “the called out ones”. In the Roman times, an ecclesia was a body of faithfuls who stood outside the common accepted institutions of the day: the kings, rulers, religions and excepted beliefs. In Shawshank Andrew's followers are educated in his library (ecclesia) and withstand the corrupt wardens, guards and the sisters.
Furthermore, getting educated at Andrew's ecclesia means living a life of meaning. So essentially Andrew is a 'fisher of men' rather than a fisherman. He catches 'new fish' to join the ecclesia thereby giving them purpose and hope - freeing them from mental slavery and institutionalization.
Two significant characters in the book which must be mentioned, Brooks and Tommy, both play significant roles in the wider theme of the novella. Brooks, after apparently breaking through the institutional walls of Shawshank does not make it on the outside. He leaves the hook that nearly saves him and dives back into the current he has mindlessly followed throughout his years of institutionalization - he commits suicide.
Tommy, on the other hand, is given his opportunity to change when he, thanks to Andy, takes the hook and receives a high school diploma and enters the ecclisia. Tommy also sits on some important knowledge; he can prove Andrew’s innocence and can get Andrew exonerated.
Hollywood version. “Pang! Bam! Pang! Boom! Lights and action...bloooood. Tommy be dead.” ”Woah, cool with some gunshots and blood. There has not been much of that in this otherwise slow movie.” Tommy is murdered and Stephen King’s message assassinated along with Tommy.
Actually, in the book, Tommy makes a deal with the warden to keep his mouth closed about Andrew, and as compensation receives a reduced sentence. Tommy, is none other than "The Doubting Thomas". He too leaves the hook and does not break through the walls of his institutionalization.
Of course during this time Andy has a plan of his own. Through the years, with only a tiny rock hammer shaped - crucifix he has been tunneling through the physical walls of the Shawshank institution. During his digs he extracts quartz, limestone, shale, mica, silted granite and a whole host of other rocks. To hide his tunnel, 6 posters of different sexual icons have covered the hole above Andrew's bunk during all the years it takes to complete the project.
The rocks are important because the person Andrew will later become is "Peter". In ancient Greek "Peter" means 'rock'. So as Andrew carves his way through rocks and stones he is metaphorically forging himself into Peter, in preparation for his new life outside the prison walls.
Getting back to the posters there are six. The number six is significant because in Genesis it takes six days to complete the creation of the Earth. So as Linda Rundstedt is mounted, we know it is only a matter of time before Andrew's creation is complete.
Hope I haven’t lost you! Be patient it is about to come together.
So let’s get going with how this applies to you, us! And by you, I not only mean those going through this treatment, I mean that we are all institutionalized to some degree, conditioned to live inside the walls of whatever paradigms that have been built around us turning us into mental slaves. The natural environment, culture, family, social networks, institutions we have been brought up in have essentially ‘institutionalized’ us. Whether you are a member of a religion, team, family, company, school or whether you are a doctor, lawyer, teacher, businessman, criminal, saint – If you are suffering from a disease or condition we are all institutionalized, brainwashed, trapped in a paradigm as mental slaves unable to see outside the box - continually "missing the mark".
I have MS and this unfortunately has gradually become my institution and my paradigm and I have been pretty close to Red's description of "loving the walls" where I had started to become a mental slave to my condition. This is terrifying. There is no one really to blame though, since within the ‘institutional walls’ I have moved through - no one has any answers when it comes to MS. This is especially true of most neurologists that I meet. The best they offer is a prognosis: ‘imminent demise’. And in this mindset I feel just as Red when he says:
“Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.”
So this is where I have found myself recently concerning ‘hope’ – I haven't lost it entirely but it is driving me insane. So what I have tried to do over the past years is to forge a new me in preperation for life after this treatment, a new "Peter" if you will. Kind of like the Peter Griffin in the video below, but not exactly.
But even after "the five minute treatment", I realize that the real work need to begin if I am to be reborn - free of the mental slavery that has dominated me.
Transcending Mental Slavery
So what waits on the other side of the the last poster on Andrew's wall?
Zihuatanejo – “a place without memory”. A quiet place with heavenly blue water and pure white sand beaches – the seventh step - 7th heaven. A place to rest.
When Andrew finally exits his tunnel, leaving the institutional walls behind him, he comes out "and disappears like smoke.” At this moment, Andrew does not exist, he has now become 'Peter' (not Griffin) 'the rock'. So with this identity shift, Andrew does not intend to return to his old life and identity – he is reborn with new hope and a new life. But how will this new life be sustained?
“And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my eccleisia, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.” In other words, once outside the walls of the institution, with a 'rock-solid' foundation to stand on Andrew's faithful purpose will not be overcome, not even by the guardian and administrator of the prison - Byron Hadley.
So as Andrew, or Peter, heads for Zihuatanejo he is moving towards a fishing village with pure white sands, and heavenly blue water, representing hope, purity and the limitlessness of possibility that a new life offers. After attempting to help fellow humans out of their "institutionalization" for nearly 30 years, it is the 7th day, it is time for Peter to rest. His remaining purpose is to await on his final 'fish', Red.
The HSCT treatment is a step to bring me closer to Zihuatanejo, where the treatment will wipe out my immune system leaving me in "a place with no memory." This is, however, is only the technical part of the process. For it to work optimally for me, then I will need to build my ecclesia on the "rock" that I have been struggling to forge over the past years. And when I do break through the walls I will need to be one of ‘the called out ones’ who is "a fisher of men" who has a calling to help others. There will be "Lindas" at every corner, but I know that I must reform the very habits and choices that have lead me into this chronic state, otherwise I will still be in the grip of disease. Merely leaving this hospital and being released as Tommy had been, will not suffice. I need a solid foundation, a life of giving, a life of serving, a life of nonattachment, a life of compassion and gratitude. My new life character must be "rock solid" in order to avoid all the pitfalls that have lead me to my current state. This is what it means to me to be "a fisher of men" and to build an ecclesia on solid rock.
“Remember that hope is a good thing, Red, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”
- Andy DuFresne
At the present, this is where I find myself.
What road will we take?
As I see it, when we set foot in this hospital in Russia, we all begin as ‘new fish’ just as all inmates are called in Shawshank. As ‘new fish’ we have this one chance to bite the hook and be thrust from our paradigmatic currents we have been mindlessly been drifting through. We get one chance. One. What will we do with this opportunity? Building ecclesia means leaving your old life for a new one in communion with others – a life of purpose free from mental slavery. Through this treatment, many claim they want their old lives back. I do not expect or even want my old life back. I have walked through the liquid nitrogen fog (and drenched my feet) not to return to my old life - but to become a new me, to ascend.
So will you be Brooks, with PPMS, who gets the treatment, but once outside the walls, like his name implies, dives back into the current of the brook to once again swim with the current, buying into his old thought patterns. Or will you be Tommy with RRMS, who receives the ‘treatment’ and is in all likely hood cured. However, he is not willing to be reborn and embrace a new life and consequently returns to his old ways, inevitably exposing his body to the same stresses that have caused his chronic condition.
Or do we emulate Red, perhaps the one with the most institutional baggage? It is of course his redemption the book is about and hopefully what this journey is about for me and many of you, whatever it may be that you are struggling with. We never do learn how it goes for Red. What we do learn though is that he breaks free from his mental slavery and finds hope. And that is every human's greatest triumph.
So we are all just Ellis Reddings trying to "hit the mark" that we so often miss. But we of course need to aspire to be Andrew, the 'mythic man' who in case you haven't figured out is Christ in this parable. By using determination and the effort it requires to chip away at the foundations of our beings we will be able to see more clearly the marks we regularly miss.
It is my greatest aspiration to emulate Red and follow the inspiration of Andrew’s transformation and resculpt my immune system, heart and mind into granite and walk through the liquid nitrogen and ascend into a new rebirth in a place with no memory, a place where I create entire new ones.
Rita and Anastasia and Conclusion
Sorry one last word after a very long-winded dissertation.
Zihuatanejo – a place without memory - is also symbolic of my immune system, which now has no memory and will likely stop attacking my myelin sheaths. But as I have mentioned, a new life means leaving old memories and destructive patterns behind. We are here to teach our bodies, hearts and minds to forget the stresses of our pasts, so that we can start a new life in a new body. In the end, the newspaper is the perfect symbol of this. My hero sidekick prodigy, Amanda, has yet done it again. The newspaper is more brilliant than I imagined! It essentially contains a picture and the date, the rest is, for we non-Russian speakers, as good as empty. As memorabilia it reminds us that we get a new blank page, an empty slate where we can write and carve out our new lives. From this day forward, when we start to break through our institutionalization that has thus far dominated us, it is time to make new memories. With inspiration from Andrew and Red I intend to do this. But I fear that I may have given two fictitious characters too much attention her. There is in fact a living Red, and perhaps even an Andrew right here at the hospital. Her name is Anastasia.
As a former sufferer of MS her colorful demeanor and vibrancy is astounding and awe-inspiring. Just watching her interact with other patients makes you see what is possible. It makes you determined beyond a doubt!
After being cured of her MS, thanks to the HSCT, she has given up a governmental job and has since dedicated her life at the hospital helping patients like me. She has no medical background, but exudes pure enthusiasm for life and is a member of the ecclesia here at the hospital. That is really what this hospital is, an ecclesia - a body of faithful dedicated to something bigger than themselves, a body of "the called out ones" that remain outside the dogmas and institutionalization of western medicine.
The meaning of her name you ask? What else could it mean in a world of synchronicity? Anastasia is a Greek name which has been Latinized - it means “resurrected” - where ana means ‘up’ and stasia means ‘standing’. Coincidence? “You’re freakin me out Carter!” And she is following Andy’s example, it is beyond palpable.
In Shawshank, 'Rita' meaning 'pearl' in Sanskrit is fitting for the poster over Andrew's tunnel, but in Russia, it does not tell the story well enough. In my vision, the exit leading to 'hope' is covered over with an Anastasia 'poster'. After years of work and struggle carving out my rock, I now pin up my final poster over the passage to the hope and endless possibilities Zihuatanejo symbolizes.
Zihuatanejo with white sands of purity and the blue waters of the heavens that beckon us from beyond her, will I get there? Will you? Ok, Barf! Sounds too much like Hollywood. Well, it is. Barf again but nothing comes up. In the Hollywood ending Red arrives in Zihuatanejo and lives happily ever. In the book, however, the reader is left with an open ending, and for me this is how life truly works.
Of course Zihuatanejo is only a ficticious unattainable ideal, a mere symbol of hope. Yet, the picture of the empty chair with the fishing rod from the newspaper speaks to me. As I envision it, the ghost of Andrew is actually sitting in the chair a 'fisher of men’ with his fishing pole trying to get its hook on 'new fish' like me sitting here in Russia. And the 'hope' and 'rebirth sybolized by the image of the ichthys ' is pulling on my brain like a fishhook. And for the first time I actually understand the concept ecclesia. It actually means to transcend - to transcend all of the stimuli of all the common 'institutions' that our daily lives move through. Each 'institution', with their unique stresses, all wreaking havoc on our health, happiness and well-being rendering us helpless victims.
As I have meditated intensively over the past weeks, I have finally just now understood the concept of the 'rock'. The 'rock' is not about building up a foundation of sound values and beliefs in words, it is about training your mind to be in tune with your nervous system and the sensations they produce so that it is possible to remain in a mindful active state instead of a mindlessly reactive state. This active state must be built physically into every cell in the entire nervous system into a physical "body of faith" - the very definition of ecclesia. When you are aware of your senses you take complete responsibility for your actions - there is no longer victimhood, you simply choose to act - mindfully. As this starts to permeate your myelin sheaths, grey matter, lymph system, nerve endings you become "a called out one" and by default a 'fisher of men'. You transcend the small trivial stimuli and events that so plague us. It's possible, I can feel it.
Or perhaps this is all rubbish and the real reason I want to go to Zihuatanejo is that its name has multiple meanings. In fact, one suggestion is that it may come from the Purepecha language meaning "water from the yellow mountain." Yellow. Yellow. Yellow. As an MS:er with bladder issues that also sounds like a little piece of heaven. A place where you can leak anywhere and the colors don't change, are you kidding me? No that is a hook!
In conclusion, will these ideas come into fruition after I leave the walls of this hospital? They are already starting to. I have been chiseling away at the foundation of my nervous system, preparing for the new person I will be. And for the first time, I feel the walls of the institution crumbling around me - I feel hope. Dr. Fedorenko, Anastasia, the staff and many of the patients here have given this to me. It is a new feeling of aliveness. Red conveys this feeling best when he says:
“I think it is the excitement that only a free man can feel, a free man starting a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.”
And so we are born again like ghosts ascending from the liquid nitrogen with our neuro-memory wiped and are given a blank slate. We cannot and should not desire to gain our old lives back. And with this revelation I have new hope.
And to paraphrase and rearrange the last lines of King's novella:
I hope my foundation is strong enough to endure setbacks outside these walls so that my health will continue to improve.
I hope my new friends I have met here will find their own foundations to continue on the their own road to recovery.
I hope to see my friends and loved ones in a new light.
I hope the new me will be as kind, compassionate and grateful as I have been in my dreams.
I hope.
As I finish writing this, I have just completed 4 days of intense meditation, trying to "forge my nervous system" into active mode. I have logged 16 hours. On the fith day as I am about to sit down on my stool, Dr. Fedorenko rushes into the room in great excitement. He informs me that my leukoctytes are up to 1.28. My isolation is finished on day 5. He has never seen anything like it.
Well, that's 5 hopes, 5 days in isolation and 5 hugs from Doctor Fedorenko and it is July 5th. Right now I feel none of the usual stresses and incidently, the number five is the numerical symbol for redemption.
Ok two more hopes, I am feeling greedy.
I hope doctors in the west get their heads out of their asses and learn to see outside the box and except this treatment. Otherwise I will get ‘the sisters’ after them. (That's six hopes which symbolizes work still in progress but nearing the end!)
I hope that if I do arrive at the beach that it looks like this:
The 1980’s Jennifer Beales will be wearing my " Minuet with my MSCT" leggings sitting on the chair with a fishing rod with a cascade of water pouring over her. (That's the 7th hope symbolizing its time to rest with my leggings and Ms Beales.)
Time to start living.