This title must be sung to the melody of ‘Kung Fu Fighting’ for the full experience.
The Sermon on the Liquid Nitrogen Bucket
I have big plans for the evening since the stem cell party seemed so fun last week when we experienced it – with new lives awaiting the patients, there were balloons, cakes, donuts and a great atmosphere.
I, as usual, have a cunning plan - something big to say, a speech of sorts for our party which is approaching rapidy. Actually a life shattering account of a mere mortal that has just been revealed insights about himself - who he is and what has been holding him back from healing. I am convinced it is huge! I mean hey, is it mere luck, our sheer providence, that I carry the initials ‘JC’? Is it coincidence that I am also super mortal John Carter from Mars battling advanced technological beings! I am the chosen -he will bring balance to divisions in modern technology and the soul!
As I imagine it, all of the insights and revelations I have had over the previous days (on high doses of cortizone mind you) are about to culminate this evening – the evening of my symbolic rebirth. All who would listen would get the details of my “sermon on the liquid nitrogen buckets” as it would surely be referred to in some distant future. I will enlighten and spread the word of the importance of a holistic view on medicine.
Oh yes, to begin with, bombard them with rhetorical grandeur - the ancient gods!
“It has been said of old that without the great titan Prometheus there is no HSCT opportunity that awaits us within these coming days. For it was he who stole fire from Mount Olympus, giving man technology, setting humankind apart from other beasts. Giving humankind command of nature, leading to great technological advances beyond what any mortal could dream and so on and so on leading us here The HSCT treatment in Moscow.”
Got to work on the last lines.
And then show the nuances in my thought process reminding everyone about the naive promise of technology as espoused by the God Theuth, Where technology would only bring benefits! HA! But the blessed Thamus, and John Carter from Mars, have the forsight to see that technology alone is blind without a complete understanding of the knowledge behind it. Without the complete knowledge behind our technology "We are mere tools of our tools!" to pompously quote Thoreau - I like him!)
Further on I will speak about my crusade against technology as THE John Carter from Mars. Arguing that we have become complacent Theuths who put our sole faith in technology ignoring the burdens, reducing oursleves to mere machines where we passively receive treatment without any reflections on what role we living and breathing humans have to play.
But nevertheless, I expound on how I have finally accepted the merits of technology thanks to Dr. Fedorenko and his holistic view on medicine and all my doubts about our quick fix society have been alleviated thanks to his views.
"If I am to be healed" I vociferate, "it may yet be by the grace of Prometheus, but I will solemly owe my life to the critical thinking of Thames, and Mars guy, who have made me realize that without self-knowledge, determination, heart, soul. mind, belief and cause - technology alone can do nothing. Except fly me to Moscow, enable me to write this, keep me in touch with my family on Skype, produce all kinds of vaccines. Hell, I carried my urine in a pouch all over Moscow. Ok but besides these technologies, just what have the Romans done for us?"
As I move towards the climax I envision a captivated audience, momentarily released from the enchantment of their MS brain fog, hanging on to every word. I urge them to be careful. Do not be zealous Theuths! Remember the deeds, habits, choices and stresses that have got you here. Before technology can fix you - you need to fix yourself! Be transparent, be responsible, be bigger than yourself and always eat your second breakfast!
I then turn away and walk through the vapor remains of the liquid nitrogent still hovering over the floor. I walk into my room, but before I do I turn around and scream "Let this new life begin!"
I enter isolation with heart, mind and positive attitude and begin the transformation. JC is ready.
The Stem Cell Transplantation
However, the real John Carter (still more like the martian) is still alive at this
point, up late the night before obsessing about something or other, (probably these ideas) resulting in a late sleep in. However, I am still calm while eating breakfast around ten when Amanda comes in all pumped up sporting her homemade athletic pullover with the text “Russin’ to beat MS” inscribed on it.
“We are starting soon, better get prepared! Come on! You were an athlete, aren’t you getting pumped up about the stem cell transplant!?!” she peps me.
I try to convince her that I am indeed pumped up but it is obvious that I am not. So I go with what i know is true: be transparent: I lie.
“Well, I was going to get a jersey too, but that did not fit into my ‘dance theme’. So you see I had knitted like these really cool stretchy Flash Dance-like leggings, which are etched with the text “Minuet with my MSCT”, but I did not get to finish them. I explain “I am just a little disappointed, that’s all. It’s only my second birthday and even in this life it appears that I will not be able to find a context to wear 80’s Flash Dance leggings.”
She’s right though, about getting with it, so I decide to meditate for an hour and then lay in bed as they do the preparations. It is a little nerve racking at first. It is the first time it feels like a serious procedure and all the doctors come into the room and it is a fast and stressful. I have to pee – but you knew that. Here is the scene:
With oxygen max in place, the process suddenly starts. Dr Fedorenko shows me my bag of super John Carter from Mars stem cells, which is incredibly exciting – except for the pee. Damn. Then the machine is hooked up to my catheter and it suddenly it starts.
Mostly intense sensations at first. Pressure around the neck and then chest. I can see why people find it hard to breath, but knowing about this ahead of time, it is quite easy to breathe through your stomach.
As far as the taste, everyone seems to think that you get a taste of tomatoes in your mouth. I am not so sure though - tasted more like battery acid to me. As I say that though, it is perhaps just a strong acidic taste which has a vague hint of tomatoes. It would follow that if you have never tasted battery acid then, well you wouldn’t know what acid really tasted like. So trust me, as a battery acid eater, it tastes a lot like batteries – with perhaps a touch of tomatoes. And of course one of the most significant moments in my life, caught on film, ends with the Dr asking; "So John do you want to urinate now?"
The Stem Cell Party
Anyway, the intense sensations last around 10 minutes, but I am so foggy I can barely remember. The last thing I know Anastasia is waking me up to inform me that the stem cell party is about to begin. 2 hours have passed and I don’t have a clue what has happened. I get up and stumble out into the lobby in a newborn fog – Theuth, Prometheus Thames, why hast you forsaken me? And why do a look like a conehead from SNL?
Being in such a daze I can barely communicate with the other patients and I am the exact opposite of how I’d hoped to be. For all I have learned about the ancient god’s of Greek and Egyptian mythology, I missed an important lesson – Hubris.
I had forgotten all about Nemisis, the spirit of divine retribution, and she is there to evoke Hellenic hell on me.
Before I can come to life, Amanda and I are suddenly summoned to the front to carry out the rebirth ritual. Speeches are held before a bucket of liquid nitrogen that has housed our cells is dumped out into the corridor.
Dr. Fedorenko makes a great sermon about how the treatment combined with a loving environment and team contribute to health. He basically reiterates what I have been writing about. It is completely holistic and what I believe every suffering individual wants and needs in order to achieve a healthy life again. Amanda and I are the sole candidates in the middle and Anastsatia waits on the right.
Then I am up for my epic speech. Here we go!
My speech entails pulling out a crumpled copy of the visitors sign that we had made for the ward. The ink is smeared and I cannot read it. Dr. Fedorenko is extremely cordial, but mentions we may have to work on the format and ink quality.
Amanda intercedes with a great speech about what these weeks have meant to her and expresses her utmost gratitude for accepting us here at the center. She presents Dr Fedorenko and Anastatia with a jersey with the logo “Rushin to beat MSCT” on it.
I mention to them, off camera, that I only had time to knit one pair of leggings, you know with my faulty left hand and all, but if they wanted… I really would like to see Dr Fedorenko in Flash Dance leggings.
And with my limited knowledge in Greek and Egyptian mythology I forgot to show up at the lesson about hubris! How Prometheus, Thames and Nemesis must have laughed!
The Baptism
It is time to dump the liquid nitrogen out onto the floors of the corridor; the very substance that has helped harvest our new cells and new life beginnings. It is nothing less than biblical! As the foggy mist spreads across the floors and opens up the heavens into the ward. I want to walk on the floors of heaven and then be allowed to descend down to my new life. Of course you have to wear plastic coverings or else your feet get soaked, but I don’t. Feeling the calling I try to walk on the mist and my feet get soaked.
Well It is all over. I am reborn on the 28 June, 2016 in the year of our Lord - Putin on a Grizzly. The date my mother’s cousin Eda, dearest friend and ‘sister’ passed away. She had recently visited my mother in a dream and had told her that all would be well. That is a comfort.
Finally, Amanda and I hold up the daily newspaper revealing the dates of our new birthdays. A reminder of all the other events that take place on this day in Russian in history - or at the very least a reminder that we will never be able to read Crylic and do not have a clue what else really had happened on this day. It doesn't matter - I am born again.
I immediately go into my room and stare at the picture on the paper. It's brilliant. It's beyond brilliant and a god sent. It's the next blog post. Stay tuned.